Medics

 A chief with the pox, from Barokta,

 Was asked at reception, ‘Which doctor?’

 He replied, ‘No, I’m not,

  But just look what I’ve got,’

 Then revealed his big problem and shocked her.

The acquisitive Doctor de Battic

 Is never confused or erratic.

 All those who can pay

Are sent (well) on their way;

  The others get whipped in his attic.

There was an ill strongman of Brussels

 Whose muscles could even make muscles.

 It grieves me to say

 He still faded away:

 His corpuscles could not make corpuscles.

‘Open wide,’ said a dentist with grace

To the anxious old virginal face.

‘You may feel now, Miss South,

 A small prick in your mouth – ’

  She cried, ‘Hardly the time or the place!’

 Though cannibal shamans were fakes,

 They all prospered by treating mens’ aches.

 Few patients got cured,

Yet their failures ensured

 They would seldom be faced with missed steaks.

A hard-driving surgeon called Gutting

(To master his slicing and cutting)

Would practice all day,

Knowing his patience would pay,

But he did lose his patients while putting.

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This limerick was written in collaboration with J.E. Pettit.

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A nurse of miserable meanness

Was told the prescribed intravenous

Is always for healing,

And not to leave reeling,

 The pricks she would prick on the penis.

Have you heard of vile Dr. de Murit

Who simply refused to endure it

When girlfriends objected

 To getting infected?

 ‘Just trust me,’ he snapped, ‘I will cure it.’

A donor of blood known as Peters

 Was wronged by computerised meters.

 He was generous and kind,

Yet those brutes didn’t mind

 When they stole his young life and six litres.

As a healer, the bland obstetrician

 Had little financial ambition.

 He loved ladies deeply,

 So treated them cheaply –

 Half price if they caught his condition.

Said the doctor to uptight Ms. Titus,

 ‘Oh, dear, you’ve acute laryngitis.’

She rasped, ‘Thanks! But you men

Are such creeps, Doctor, when

 You regard us as objects to slight us!’

 Appendectomy patient, James Dare,

 Asked a nurse-aide to shave off his hair,

But she put up resistance

 By keeping her distance –

 She knew what lay waiting down there.